Peer into my soul for a couple of minutes:
Too young to know life’s cruel jokes, and impossible obstacles, I dreamt of a day when my picture would go up in history. This Saturday I felt almost accomplished. I had a taste of my dream, there on the football field of the UM game this weekend. I was not there to photograph players nor movement; I was there for something related to my job, to take a picture of a still car. None the less I was a photographer for a few short moments and yes I did pretend to be an NFL official photographer. I couldn’t stop smiling! The joy!
I write this tonight with tears in my eyes. I’ll explain. My only dream, ever, was to be a photographer for ESPN (runner-up option was for National Geographic). This Saturday I was there in front of the players and some screaming fans, I could taste the opportunity. I was there; in the moment I desired most to be a part of. I was on the field with the players, with fans in the background, with fellow photographers and their mile long lenses and sky-high accomplishments. In the midst of all joy I felt a pang of disappointment. I really do not have words to describe how I felt or feel. I can only give you an example. So, imagine a child with 5 dollars in hand and all he wants is chocolate. The child is in front of a vending machine full of chocolate, he can insert the bill into the machine and he can press the buttons and the chocolate can fall into his hands. When he has the chocolate in hand, he cannot eat it and enjoy it because it belongs to his older sibling. I want, so painfully bad, to be that photographer that can eat all the chocolate her sweet heart desires, but I am not.I realize this should make me want to work for it more, but I know everyone has doubts, here are mine, on paper and for the world to see. I have no shame in admitting I doubt myself, but tomorrow is another day.