I apologize for extreme pause in posts but im back:
My flaws: I cling but I am a very detached person.My heart is dry and cold but it has so much love to give. I’m confident but I’m constantly doubting myself. I can handle anything by myself but I can’t go through one day without leaning on a friend. I’m enjoying being single but I cant wait to love and be loved. I love peace and quite, yet I always have music on. I’m an extremely reserved person yet I’m posting this for you to see. My flaw? I’m a walking and talking contradiction. Good night.
Peer into my soul for a couple of minutes:
Too young to know life’s cruel jokes, and impossible obstacles, I dreamt of a day when my picture would go up in history. This Saturday I felt almost accomplished. I had a taste of my dream, there on the football field of the UM game this weekend. I was not there to photograph players nor movement; I was there for something related to my job, to take a picture of a still car. None the less I was a photographer for a few short moments and yes I did pretend to be an NFL official photographer. I couldn’t stop smiling! The joy!
I write this tonight with tears in my eyes. I’ll explain. My only dream, ever, was to be a photographer for ESPN (runner-up option was for National Geographic). This Saturday I was there in front of the players and some screaming fans, I could taste the opportunity. I was there; in the moment I desired most to be a part of. I was on the field with the players, with fans in the background, with fellow photographers and their mile long lenses and sky-high accomplishments. In the midst of all joy I felt a pang of disappointment. I really do not have words to describe how I felt or feel. I can only give you an example. So, imagine a child with 5 dollars in hand and all he wants is chocolate. The child is in front of a vending machine full of chocolate, he can insert the bill into the machine and he can press the buttons and the chocolate can fall into his hands. When he has the chocolate in hand, he cannot eat it and enjoy it because it belongs to his older sibling. I want, so painfully bad, to be that photographer that can eat all the chocolate her sweet heart desires, but I am not.I realize this should make me want to work for it more, but I know everyone has doubts, here are mine, on paper and for the world to see. I have no shame in admitting I doubt myself, but tomorrow is another day.
Can you pin point the date, time, moment, you became an adult? Can you describe the action, the frame, the feeling or the words? Can you specify the reaction you observed from others? Can you, without a single fraction of a doubt, say that moment is when you became an adult? As unrealistic as it may seem, you have been working your way up to the realization that you are an adult. There was no single verifiable point or instant when you became one. There is only the moment when you realized you finally shed your entire youth. The flames of your youth have been shedding for some time now, they have been burning in the background and you have been unable to see their blinding radiance until now.
” Peace is’nt a permanent state, it exists in moments. Fleeting. Gone before we even knew it was there”
The previous week’s blogs have been way too intense for my taste. I finally had a day of adventure!!
I came home from work and found a chicken literally crossing the road. After further Sherlock Holmes style investigation we found the chicken had no beak and could barely eat. We tried feeding it and giving it water but it didn’t really like me because I kept flashing my camera at it. He tried to run away so my personal John Cusack brought me my chicken back. We eventually let him go, but it was a fun day none the less.
Give your pain a face, give it a name. Give your pain feet and watch how it moves. Learn your pain. Embrace it. Remember it. Learn about it. Where did it originate? How long has it lingered? Is it self-inflicted? Do you know the reason for the pain?
Pain is there for a reason. Here is some fresh honesty for you, the reader, I don’t care who you are. I’ve been through things that caused me pain. I learned about my pain, and very often I felt my pain with a passion. I embraced it; I gave it legs and feet and watched my pain slowly dance around me. It lingered and it made me crawl after it begging it to come back. Allowing me to feel my pain is how I got through it. Pain is not a bad thing, it has its reasons for staying and it chooses its own time to go. I dare you to stare at your pain, I dare you to dance with it and talk to it. Nurture it. Go on, I dare you.
Not only to the people in the photo but to everyone it represents; Thank you, even though you may not realize, to all my friends for helping me feel it, fight through it, remember it, then forget it!
Sit tight: here is some soul searching crap for you.
Have you ever seen those romantic comedies? They are so far into the tunnel, no one would be able to find your light; no one could see the way out. I’ve discussed this multiple times and not once have I ever come to a certain conclusion because these ridiculous scenarios actually happen in life. People fall in love (hilarious), couples break up (truth), and best friends become your passionate lovers for a month and then get married. I heard a quote that until recently didn’t mean much to me: “You must learn to love the thorn or you won’t be able to accept the rose.” Here is the thing, most romantic comedies do not show how to accept the thorn; they simply tell you that the girl or guy accepted it with no questions asked. I have question – I have plenty of questions – and I am sure all of you do; married, single, widowed, “it’s complicated” status or happily “in a relationship” status. Is it comedy or is it tragedy? Who can win? What do you do when you have to choose between your brain and your heart? Who should win? I do not know where the light is, but I would like to reach that light. The light that illuminates my life and the decisions I make, letting me know I’m reaching the exit to the tunnel. Right now I wish I knew which way the exit was – in all honesty I don’t. Like most people I’m just trying to find my way.
Just keep me where the light is.
(Photo by Alice; Written by Amanda C.; inspired & edited by Sunday Whiskey- Lyndsay Hall)